Todays blog is a tribute to my son and the life that he chose to end eight years ago today.
If he was here today, these are some of the words I would tell him.
Words that grew inside of me after Victor decided to take his own life. Words I wish I would have had the wisdom and experience to speak to him while he was here. One of lifes ironies is that sometimes, we don’t have the words until AFTER we need them.
I have learned to wake up each day and share my first cup of coffee with the Lord. I sit in my chair and thank him for giving me one more day on this earth. One more day to look up at the sun, to listen to the singing water, to feel the unpredictable wind.
I focus on these things for one simple reason; they remind me that nothing is ever still. They are always moving, always flowing. Anything that is alive is always moving and changing. And so am I.
Whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, they are already changing, right now. And in what direction? That depends entirely on you. Every single thought that crosses your mind, every single action you take is the foundation of who you will be right around the corner.
That is why I try to take notice of whatever I am feeling at any given moment of the day. I now understand very clearly that I am in constant motion, through my thoughts and actions, I am evolving into someone better and stronger. I have learned that it is through my faith that I find purpose in the pain, and pleasure in the triumphs.
Most of the frustrations in life arise when we try to block, stop or go against the natural everchanging flow of life. All of these actions are the OPPOSITE of creativity. As an artist I have learned that the essence of creativity is flowing with my own unique soul and nature.
We are all a beautiful whisper of the earth, whose natural behaviour is to explore, to learn, to experience, to engage, to change, to evolve. When we become quiet and close the door on the world so that we can listen to the whisper, we find that it is in fact our own inner intuition leading us in the direction that our Creator intended us to travel.
In the past, I blocked the creativity and flow in my life by wishing that I could go back in the past and change it. Or by trying to keep a person or thing exactly as it was because I found pleasure in it at the time. If I am honest with myself, I realize that when I find myself doing this, it is because I fear the consequences of change. By wishing to control the flow of life and set it exactly as I like it, I believed that I could make it better.
The fact is, that is just not even remotely possible! And the more we try to control life, the more unhappy we feel because we are fighting against something much larger and bigger and powerful than us...LIFE!
For me, the answer to this dilema was to recoginize my true nature and to allow myself to flow with my nature, not against it. When I made that decision, I began to understand that every single part of me, from the smallest cell to my deepest thoughts were constantly changing. It was then that I was able to finally relax and enjoy life. I could appreciate the pain for the lessons it taught. I could celebrate the experiences that had created a woman who was confident in her ability to survive any obstacle that life handed her. A woman who was comfortable in her own skin and could venture forth into the world knowing her heart, and loving it.
I now live my life in a very relaxed state. I can honestly say that I love my true nature, and that I enjoy swimming along with it and discovering the amazing variety, richness and infinate joy that I find all around me. When we are truely engaged with what is going on at every moment of our lives, life ceases to be a struggle, and magically becomes a celebration of our tragedies and our triumphs.
I used to live in fear that love and other valueable things were in danger because of this ever changing reality of life. I now understand that the opposite is true. Those things that are rigid and never move are the ones that crack and break easily. Those that flow and move continuously are also the ones that are the most resilient and last longer.
As a mother, I have taught my children to look around, to reconnect with life daily. Everything is art, from the skyscrapers to the trees, all of them move to adapt to the winds or the earthquakes. Love is also movement and only in movement can it thrive, grow and last.
By realizing that like the wind, like the trees, like the sun, you are constantly evolving and flowing, second by second, you will discover that every one of those moments is different and full of amazing opportunities and joy that are right there for you to interact with.
Like me, you are all artists. Yes. You are. Because your life is your art, and if you truely engage with it, your life itself will be the most beautiful artistic work you will have ever seen.
I am sad that Victors life ended tragically eight years ago, but I celebrate his duality now. He exists now in a place where all suffering and sorrow has passed away, while simultaniously living within the hearts of all of us who knew and loved him. He opened my heart and mind to things in life that alone, I would never have been able to see. I will forever see life through the lense of magic that was my sons passion.
Rest in Peace my son until we meet again.