Last night I was talking to a very special friend about some issues in one of his friends lives. His friend is in a very toxic marriage that he is in the process of ending.
I too, have been in that situation in my life. My toxic relationship nearly killed me. It was destroying my children, and everything I held dear in life.
But the decision to end a marriage, and break up a family is one of the most difficult decisions any person will ever face. You are breaking up the family that your children depend on for security in this world.
In every single case I have encountered in my life, where the divorce occured because of some form of abuse, weather emotional, physical or sexual, the victim of the abuse has eventually looked back on the abuse and felt a tremendous sense of self loathing for allowing themselves to have been treated that way.
In some cases this self-loathing destroys the person.
But in just as many cases, it has made that person stronger.
It all depends on how you handle the guilt when it begins to boil up to the surface.
Do you become a victim of it, or do you look it in the face and try to discover the lesson it is there to teach you?
My blog today on day 3 of the love challenge is going to address that very thing.
I am 7 yrs out from my divorce. I have healed in every way that a person can heal.
I have learned valuable lessons that I want to share today as my act of love for you.
Sometimes it seems like we are “thrown” into situations that we believe are not of our own creation and we find ourselves wondering, “Why?”
There is a reason for that — one that goes far deeper than just the concept that there is something there for us to learn.
Don’t get me wrong. It is ultimately about learning something. But sometimes it’s also about experiencing something on a much deeper level.
I suppose it depends on how significant the lesson is that we are meant to learn. But there are often cases in which looking objectively at a situation simply won’t allow us to take away what we need to.
Sometimes we actually have to allow ourselves to do exactly what we don’t want to do…
Go deep within and feel it for everything it’s worth.
While this might not be exactly what you had in mind since you are trying to get AWAY from a situation and create a new set of circumstances, the problem is that you can’t really move on until you fully understand why the situation is occurring in the first place.
And what better way to do that than to dive right in?
This might sound rather counter-intuitive, but according to whose rules? According to what definition?
When it comes down to it, we all make up our own rules for this lifetime, whether we like to believe it or not — OR we can choose to follow the outline that someone else has created for us. And since we have created our lives, we can also do exactly as we please with them.
The important thing is that we find a way to become fully aware of exactly what we are experiencing and why.
But so often we refuse to allow ourselves to do that.
We will find every distraction out there known to man to keep ourselves from fully experiencing the reality of things…
From eating, to watching television, to talking on the phone. In fact, the issues that we run from the most are exactly the issues that we need to go deepest into.
What I have come to realize is that we are all so afraid of feeling the depths of something, whether it is good or bad, because we think it may seal us into the experience like a box. When in fact, going directly into it is precisely what frees us.
There is never anything wrong with feeling. We are feeling human beings. That’s what we do best, and to deny that is to deny our very human nature.
As human beings, we must allow ourselves the permission to fully experience all that our lives have to offer — whether that be for better or for worse.
By not allowing that for ourselves, we are only short-changing ourselves.
We may miss out on the true beauty that lies within, or on the other side of what now appears to be a problem if we manage to work our way through it.
In reality, it’s really a blessing in disguise, even if we don’t see it at the time. It is far better to try searching for the blessing rather than just “seeing” the problem.
But the only way to find the good in the situation is to allow ourselves to fully explore it.
Once we finally allow ourselves to do that (and it may not be a quick process, but well worth the journey, I assure you) and we get through it, we will never have to deal with it again in the same manner because we are now a different person with a more mature understanding of ourselves and our relationship to others in this life.
This is when you can fully let it go, and your life truly begins to change for the better.
For me, this process took nearly 4 yrs. In that time, I read everything I could get my hands on about relationships. I read about healing your emotions. I discovered the field of Neuro-Linguistic Psychology.
I discovered things about myself that, had I not made the decision to truely allow myself the time to go deep and heal, I would never known about myself.
My painting business is a creation and physical manifestation of the beauty that can come from the pain. It is proof, that there is a reason for everything.
I stand tall in the world now. I know who I am, and what I need.
I have the courage to demand good behavior from the people in my life.
I am capable of giving and recieving love in healthy ways from my friends, my family and the significant other in my life.
I can now go out into the world and create beautiful things. None of these things would be true about me if I had not allowed myself to experience the agony, guilt and self-loathing that my abusive marriage left me with.
Going deep, and feeling my feelings and allowing them to heal was the greatest act of love I have ever shown myself.
When I learned to love Melanie. I was finally able to love others.
I guess the message I am trying to share today is this:
There is life after Divorce.
There is joy to be found in the everyday things you lost sight of during your trials.
There is the chance to find a healthy, loving relationship that will strengthen you, not diminish you.
You have a bright and beautiful future out there just waiting for you to heal so you can enjoy it.
My gift of love today is that message.