AWESOMEN’T…by that, I mean, NOT Awesome!


In the past week I have been literally BOMBARDED with Ghosts from my past.

I thought that these issues had been dead and buried long ago…

Apparently NOT!

I am not ready to go into any great detail about exactly what has happened, but let’s just say that this week has been a reminder for me that we never really can “PUT THE PAST BEHIND US”, so to speak.

I want to start this discussion today with a quote by Marianne Williamson.

She says, ” If space is created in which we are totally free to reveal our walls, those walls will in time come down.”

I have been opening up about my past history with my son Victor, and my ex-husband and…

maybe that is why the issues are resurfacing in strange ways this week.

Do I dare hope that the walls I formed around them are finally beginning to crumble?

Am I finally going to be able to purge the darkness in my heart that was left behind by them from my system?

Will I finally have a place to create more space for love and light in my heart?

I SURE HOPE SO.

But all of this has got me thinking about my big heart, and the need I feel to have strong, meaningful connections with the people in my life.

I am constantly learning new and powerful ways to enhance the ways I relate to my loved ones. The more I open to them the more connected, safe, trusting, intimate, and loving our relationships become.

My true hearts desire is to experience sustainable, loving partnerships in all areas of my life, but especially with my sweetheart and my children.

I think this is what we ALL desire.

Every single one of us.

But what about those times when it doesn’t work out?

We all say that we want true intimacy, but…

Are we really willing to expose our shadow self, to hold NOTHING back from each other, to share everything?

Is that even wise?

Carl Jung, the founder of Analytical Psychology said that, ” Shadow is the personal trash heap onto which we throw forbidden aspects of ourselves that we deem unfit for respectable, everyday life. Anything we say is not OK, that we judge yet often desire, gets tossed into the realm of shadow, usually latched tight.”

But here is the conundrum:

Our shadow aspects can be hot, exciting, intriguing. The taboo has simultaneous repulsion and appeal.

Can our shadow – the very thing we’ve decided can have nothing to do with our best, most sacred selves, have a place in our relationships?

In the bible, we read of the fall of Adam in the garden of Eden.

By his transgression, we are all born into this life with the                                      “Old Sin Nature.” 

 

We cannot escape it.

It is as much a part of our psyche as our goodness is.

In fact, a lot of the things that we humans do in an attempt to make life better for everyone, our “Good Works” come from our shadow side, or our sin nature.

So is the shadow completely BAD?

Author and RN Nina Hartley says, ” Humans contain both light and shadow. Some people have a little shadow, some a lot. By not accepting our shadow, we guarantee that we will explode. So much energy becomes available to us when we are not spending energy to hide or lie, when the shadow is included.”

When we can unlock formerly locked doors and embrace those things previously rejected, the result is often times more wholeness and an awakening to the divine love that resides inside of us.

For me this week, I have been forced to look myself in the face and accept that I was irresponsible in my choice of a parent for my children. That MY choice has caused them deep pain and scars in their souls that I am powerless to heal.

I have been really struggling with the guilt and shame over the fact that I allowed my children to be hurt.

But I have made the decision to allow this wall to crumble and fall.

I am tired of hiding behind it.

I am ready to bring all my guilt and shame out into the light where it can be exposed.

Where I can get my attention off of hiding and excluding this aspect of myself.

I cannot be a perfect parent and expect that to fix issues that I have no control over.

My children, and myself have both been deeply scared by the abuse in our past.

I am angry.

I am disgusted.

I wish for vengeance.

All of these are the very traits I have been desperately trying to pretend didn’t exist within myself…

BUT THEY DO!

It is time for me to bring them out into the light of day, only then can I discover the new parts of myself, and my relationship with my children, and with Jeff that these shadows have been blocking.

I am ready to experience myself and these relationships in a new dimension.

We as humans deliberately bring ourselves into the sweet embrace of the Divine, and of others as well.

In the book of Matthew we are promised that when two or more come together in His name, there I am among them. (Matthew 18:20)

This is one of the greatest blessings of participating in a truly authentic relationship. One where honesty and integrity are the foundation upon which it is built. We can’t help but bring the Divine into the embrace with us…

and that can only strengthen any relationship.

Another place we can explore in our discovery of our shadow is in our “Gray Matter”

In our MidBrain resides our feelings, emotions, and sensations.

Our ForeBrain houses our assessments, logic and reasoning.

Our HindBrain houses our animal instincts. This is the part responsible for keeping us alive, safe and procreating.

For some people, stepping into shadow means exploring their body image.

For others, it may be a past trauma or abuse.

Still yet, for some, it is the dark cravings of their souls.

One persons shadow is another persons sunshine.

In a family of Thieves, it is the child who REFUSES to steal that will feel the guilt!

This week has illuminated a very profound truth for me, and that truth is this…

The rabbit hole of shadowy exploration can be a long and dark hole to jump through, and can lead you to some pretty intense places…

But I choose to see this rabbit hole as a tunnel. It can be dark and scary , but I will get through it, and will once again be in the light.

These “Dark Nights of the Soul” are actually beautiful places to dance through if you let them be.

If you can trust in Gods plan for your life, and know that in this life, most people are NOT meant to stay forever.

They are here for a short time, to teach us, to help us expand, and mature. To guide us to the life we were created to live.

shadow self quote for blog

Please let me know how you feel about todays topic. Leave your comment below.

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “AWESOMEN’T…by that, I mean, NOT Awesome!

  1. Last week, one of our Licensed Clinical Therapists in our Work Success group gave a presentation to our job seekers. He presented the “theory” as he called it that when we are born, we are 100% love and/or trust. He made the example that if I am clumsy, holding a newborn baby and I trip and drop the baby, I should be able to pick them up and comfort them and rebuild that love/trust easily. But if it continues to happen, the baby will begin to lose some of that trust and it becomes harder to rebuild it. The baby will apply a defense mechanism (Crying) so that every time I pick him up, he cries and in essence says, “Oh no you don’t I don’t trust you! You always drop me!” As we go through life, any time we are traumatized by our own choices or the choices of others, that trust becomes less and less. We build walls or defense mechanisms to protect us from being hurt again and before long, our trust/love is so depleted that we can’t or don’t trust anyone. And excellent book to read is “Getting Past If Only” by Kim Nelson. In this book, he tells a parable of the house that is an excellent visual of what you are saying in your post. Here is a link to an article he wrote int he Deseret News. http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705392550/LDS-therapist-Getting-past-if-only-learning-to-live-without-regrets.html?pg=all

    Hang in there Melanie! You will succeed in all you go for.

  2. Last week, one of our Licensed Clinical Therapists in our Work Success group gave a presentation to our job seekers. He presented the “theory” as he called it that when we are born, we are 100% love and/or trust. He made the example that if I am clumsy, holding a newborn baby and I trip and drop the baby, I should be able to pick them up and comfort them and rebuild that love/trust easily. But if it continues to happen, the baby will begin to lose some of that trust and it becomes harder to rebuild it. The baby will apply a defense mechanism (Crying) so that every time I pick him up, he cries and in essence says, “Oh no you don’t I don’t trust you! You always drop me!” As we go through life, any time we are traumatized by our own choices or the choices of others, that trust becomes less and less. We build walls or defense mechanisms to protect us from being hurt again and before long, our trust/love is so depleted that we can’t or don’t trust anyone. And excellent book to read is “Getting Past If Only” by Kim Nelson. In this book, he tells a parable of the house that is an excellent visual of what you are saying in your post. Here is a link to an article he wrote int he Deseret News. http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705392550/LDS-therapist-Getting-past-if-only-learning-to-live-without-regrets.html?pg=all

    Hang in there Melanie! You are on the right path!

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