“If we want to understand why we feel troubled as we do, we need only “tune-in” to the parts of ourselves we’re listening to. All the “sounds” of life are revelatory, but none are perfunctory; so, if we keep hearing discordant thoughts and feelings within us — whose vibrations disturb us — it isn’t because life sings this song. Our unrest continues only because of an unseen interior choice, and to see the truth of this is to realize one of the great keys to the Kingdom of Heaven: as goes our attention, so comes our experience.”
For those of you who want deep love but are afraid of
possible disappointment & pain,
here’s something I’ve been learning…
To say yes to love is to say yes to disappointment & pain.
There’s pleasure in romance, of course…
The highest form available to human beings in my opinion.
But every love story has a cost.
It’s the cost of opening your heart so fully and raw, so naked & undefended that it can break at the tiniest gesture…
a unreturned text,
an averted gaze,
or a feigned smile.
Opening your heart emotionally exposes it to “infection” in exactly the same way that literally opening it would.
I’ve finally managed to find the man I have been searching for ever since I was a young teenage girl.
For the first time in my life, I think I am beginning to understand why people have used such words as…
To describe a romantic relationship.
With Jeff, I feel all of those things but…
Even though we do our best to understand each other’s perspectives on life, we still fail to fully understand totally what the other may be experiencing.
Mini heart breaks lurk everywhere when you’re in a relationship.
Accepting that, and learning not to panic in those moments have been my biggest challenge in getting close and trusting Jeff.
My past experience with romance has been a continual series of one abusive person after another.
I am aware of this, and try diligently every day NOT to project this past onto Jeff,
still sometimes I fail, and the insecurity slips in.
Here is where Jeff is so different from anyone I have ever loved:
He allows me the freedom to express my feelings, and then he gently and lovingly reassures me that we are fine.
That he still has my back.
That we are still moving in the right direction.
That I am still loved by him.
He can never know the value of his willingness to listen to me. And how that alone is the gift that has allowed me to open my heart wide to him.
Love is scary no matter how perfect the situation surrounding it may be.
But isn’t that true of everything in life that involves taking a chance?
No matter how in love you are, disappointment & pain are just part of the game.
But over time, I have realized that my disappointment comes from the unexpressed expectations of my partner that I hold in my mind.
Expectations that I have failed to make sure that he is privy to.
That I have failed in some way to communicate my needs to him, and then begin to feel unloved because he is not meeting them.
Another huge source of my pain come from some ancient (I’m-not-good-enough) story that lives in my head looking for evidence in his behaviour, rather than a failure of love on his part.
This is another of the daily battles for me…
I’ve noticed the more I breathe into & stay with the actual ‘pain’ feelings in my body and refuse to become sidetracked by the story-about-my-feelings in my mind…
The less pain lingers to haunt me.
What if every heartbreak was some form of misunderstanding?
In my own personal life experience, almost all romantic pain comes from an incorrect assumption about our partner, or an unverified story being held as true.
Once the missing perspective is added and understood, the wince of pain and disappointment often gives way to new levels of intimacy.
Just last night, I was feeling insecure again.
So I made a decision to simply check in with Jeff and ask him if he was upset.
I was terrified as I hit the send button on that text.
But… true to his kind and loving nature, he assured me that he loved me and I was still as awesome as ever.
I could have kept my feelings to myself and allowed them to gain a life of their own…
but I am learning that more often than not, they are MY feelings not anyone elses.
I am learning to own them, and take responsibility for my own insecurities, and by doing that I am learning to recognize them for what they are…
little bits of NOTHINGNESS that have the power to destroy everything good in my life, if I allow them to take root.
Here is a question that I have learned to ask myself when insecurity begins to surface in my mind…
If heartbreak is a fundamental facet of True Love, how can I bring more courage, more power and more faith to those moments?
C.S.Lewis says it well:
“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything, & your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly
be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must
give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies
and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the
casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -safe, dark,
motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will
become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative
to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only
place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the
dangers & perturbations of love is Hell.”
Think about it…
When you go to the gym and rip your muscle tissue by lifting weights,
it grows back bigger and stronger.
The heart is a muscle too and every heartbreak increases its size, strength & capacity to hold more love.
In the end, heartbreak is your access to epic romance.
So milk every inch of that pain for the gift of learning & development that it is.