Do you sometimes feel like that?
What have I done?
Where am I really headed?
I often find myself wondering why is it that sometimes I am not able to keep the breakthroughs I’ve had.
Often I find myself even doubting that they happened at all.
Are we semi-sleep walking?…
or just waking up?….
or really ready to roll?
Will you find yourself waking up one day and wondering,
My God!…What have I done?
Or not done,
As the case may be.
I have dedicated this blog to the healing process that is a daily effort for me since the day my son took his own life.
I have had 1,000’s of breakthroughs since that day.
But as I look back I can see how some of them were such a major change in my way of thinking that I remember the exact moment in time that the breakthrough occurred.
But there are other breakthroughs that were so subtle and gradual that I don’t even realize how much I have changed as a result of them.
As a teenage girl when I heard the words of that song by one of my heroes David Byrne, I was like – you know what:
That is IT RIGHT THERE.
We don’t get what we are doing here.
And unless we choose to see what is happening and what our part in it is, we might just find ourselves wondering –
Where does the highway I am on, go to anyway?
Why is waking up, and staying awake is so hard for us?
Why is it that sometimes we don’t keep the breakthroughs we’ve had?
What do you think?
Can you remember this experience – of having had a real life breakthrough and later doubting it happened at all?
This can also happen with spiritual experiences…we don’t believe what happened actually happened. It begins to fade in our minds until, suddenly, we realize that it all feels more like a dream than a memory.
How does breakthrough amnesia end up impacting us as we attempt to live a truly conscious life?
Let’s pause for a moment and think of it like this:
When we experience an event that is a really big deal such as a birth
or a wedding,
or other life rites of passages,
there is a definite cycle and set of challenges that moves us into that moment.
Then the beauty comes, and we forget how hard it was to get there.
Or we often complain about it.
Neither of which shares the whole story.
With major rites of passages, it generally works out all right because we focus on the joy that follows.
That last point is HUGE!
So I am going to say it again…
With the MAJOR breakthroughs or rites of passages in our lives, things generally work out just fine in the end because, while we were in the process of the breakthrough, we were focusing on the JOY that we would achieve at the end of the process.
So what about the small little changes that occur almost without our notice?
With the series of ‘personal’ breakthroughs, the small ones that are all about us, our lives and who are we are becoming…
We often discover that they have had other effects that are less favorable…
WE DON’T ACKNOWLEDGE HOW THIS EVENT HAS CHANGED US!
If we don’t get how we have changed…
We may need to learn it again.
And we may not be able to truly integrate the lessons in a lasting way in our lives.
But here is the good news my friends,
There are other options available that can open us up to accepting that there is actually a way to achieve a higher level of “ALIVENESS” than we are currently experiencing.
I love this quote by T.S. Elliot:
“We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”
Sweet spots and rough spots accompany any person who is choosing to attempt to live a conscious life in a world gone mad.
When we arrive where we started and know it for the first time, this is the sweet spot –
our chance to KNOW it and get it –
BUT… the key here is “we shall not cease from exploration”… which indicates there has been a journey, an exploration.
Acknowledging that you have been on an exploration to discover who you are, and what God’s purpose for your life is, and then finally arriving at that realization, creates a solid context in which to acknowledge that Dreams do come true!
Here is the rough spot.
If you are not able to realize or acknowledge how much you have actually been through….
It is hard to claim it and maintain it.
It is vital for us to see where we have been and to say –
I did that.
I made it through that.
I am strong.
I will make it through this too.
I have a strong testimony of the importance of taking the time to mark these times in our lives
with acts of intentional creativity like paintings,
or out loud acknowledgement in the form of writing or speaking –
Otherwise the next step on the path may not appear in the way that it could or should and we find ourselves on a perpetual loop.
We keep going right back to the place we started from, and never seem to make any progress at all.
If we aren’t ready for it, the next step may not reveal itself.
And hence our lives get stuck again.
The next place on the path doesn’t easily appear so we don’t think it even exists.
We wait for it…
but in reality it has been waiting for us.
The other major roadblock I have encountered on the path to my dreams is the infamous “Little self critic stranglehold” we put on ourselves.
This self criticism literally has the power to keep us from really acknowledging how far we have come on our journey.
Why do we all hang so tightly to this part of us that enjoys
We are even willing to pretend we don’t have what we have in order to convince ourselves, and the world, that we are suffering and deserve the pity of others.
What are we afraid of?
It is almost as if we believe that if we let others know how far we have come… they will expect more from us –
or maybe we won’t be able to hide behind that story or illness or old pattern any longer.
This self-critic part of yourself thinks your old patterns keep you safe.
And it’s true that it might not feel safe to “WAKE UP” because if we choose to wake up we have to choose to be responsible and being responsible is one of the hardest things we will ever do.
But read this quote from Werner Erhard carefully…
“Responsibility starts with the willingness to experience yourself as cause in the matter.
Responsibility starts with the simple willingness to deal with a situation while acknowledging that you are the source.
You are the source of what you are, what you do, and what you have.
Responsibility is a context – a context of Self as the source of your life.”
So in order to have these breakthroughs, that will lead to your dreams…
The first step is to wake up.
The second step is to acknowledge the struggles and triumphs that have carried you this far.
The third step is to take responsibility for your life.
If your life is one series of nightmares after another, maybe you are the cause of that cycle.
If you want to experience a life filled with joy, first discover what that means for you, then make a plan to achieve that Joy.
It’s like I said earlier…
We survive major life changing events by focusing on the joy at the end of the journey.
So today, take a minute to meditate and pray about your purpose in life.
Get clear about what things will bring you joy.
Then pursue those things with a single-minded focus.