I’ve been called the “Woman who never quits.”
Funny, but it seems to capture all the vigor and verve of self-sufficiency,
and hard core measurable goals
which marked my passage and intentions upon entering the decade of the 90s.
I graduated from High School on May 5, 1990. I was ten foot tall and bullet proof back then…
But then life decided to knock me down to size.
When I was in my early twenties I was determined to change the world.
I wanted to make quantum leaps in financial gain, to publish and to produce.
Now, as I am in my mid-forties, I realize that the better triumphs have not come from reaching these goals but in the shadows and nuances of missing them.
When things have not gone as planned
( which has happened a lot in my lifetime)
And I was forced to stop in pain and confusion, I may not have understood it at the time, but it was in those moments of failure and pain that I was actually learning and growing more than I could ever have known.
It was those very failures that helped me discover how very dependent I really was upon my external world.
I needed the “Push Back” from life to help me see meaning so that I could eventually discover the deeper purpose behind the seemingly meaningless failures and pain.
But… In those moments of “push Back”, I was able to become acquainted with the Angels that surround us.
Because I have discovered that for every beast in the wilderness, there are angels in attendance.
have you ever noticed that just at that point when you are whipping yourself for failures…
Someone comes along to remind you of some difference you never knew you made?
In my twenties…I was looking to “win them all”.
But in my forties, I now understand that the far greater impact came from “winning one”.
When I’m feeling most unlovable, some angel appears to whisper in my ear.
I am dependent upon my angels.
As I look back over the past thirty years, I can so clearly see now that it was during those unspeakable moments of pain that the beauty of Gods grace and Love were manifesting themselves to me on a very personal level that would eventually change EVERYTHING about my life.
I stand as a witness of the fact that Angels abound when least expected.
During my years as a Correctional Officer at the Utah State Prison,I spent my days surrounded by people who were street-smarts and who’s supposed hard hearts had led them to create a lifestyle of crime.
Yet somehow, in that horrible place I came to understand that each and every person alive shares a desire for honesty.
We all feel fear.
And we all carry a deep desire to be loved and to love.
The choices a person makes, no matter how dark and unforgivable can not ever change or diminish those basic human desires.
So how can we live in this world that is so full of pain, and not get swallowed up by it all?
I have discovered that the road AWAY from self-absorption is to look outside of our self and see if we can make a difference for someone else.
When I am throwing a pity party, the quickest cure is to help someone else.
It can be as simple as telling the store clerk that she has beautiful eyes.
It can be as time-consuming as sitting with a lonely widow and letting her recall stories of her past..
Truth be told, often I’d rather whine and complain.
I am dependent upon the needs of others to move me out of myself.
I have also discovered that I like myself better as a human being rather than a human doing.
Talking to roses can sometimes be better than speaking to thousands.
Giving myself permission to “be” rather than “do” remains a daily struggle.
I am a sucker for the tug of time.
I do not wish to go quietly into the next decade.
I’ll admit to needing bifocals and estrogen but I have no intention of aging.
I’ll trade exercise for cheesecake and Chardonnay.
I’ll forgo naps for too-late parties and choose time with my sweet spouse over a bursting bank account.
I’ll arrange to throw my old self away, to molt the dry skin of complacency so I can discover what is new to be learned and experienced.
These are intentions, not goals.
Some days I live intentionally– other days, unintentionally.
We’ve all been in that knee-jerk, where-did-the day go mode.
I need daily reminders to pay attention to what I intend to create: a life by design and not default.
By realizing my dependency on life as my teacher, my greatest wisdom comes from just plain showing up today and living NOW.
From NOW comes a day that is WON.