The way UP is Down…


For years I was on a quest.

I was determined to discover that HOLY GRAIL we call CONTENTMENT…

Back then I believed that the HOLY GRAIL would be found in some change outside myself:
A new promotion or job,
A new home,
Some hiking trail to explore,
A new relationship.
I also channeled my restless nature in physical exertion and a full diary.
I was goal-driven, and achievement-focused.
As long as I was busy, all was well.
To slow down made me painfully aware of the discontent that trailed me like a twinge.
I had a hole in my soul that was so large, I could never imagine finding a way to fill it.
So I kept busy in a effort to dull the pain that the giant hole in my soul was causing me.

The movement, planning and physical endurance came at a price.

In my mind there always seemed to be just one more summit to scale.

For me, there was no neat finishing line when the effort and struggle stopped.

I lived in constant fear!

When my husband left me alone to raise our four children by myself, that was when I was forced to face my fears head on.

I had four children who desperately needed me to make some sense out of the ciaos they were experiencing in their little lives.

It was at that time in my journey that I finally stopped and decided to take a really good look at the inner mountain that had driven me for so long.

I was forced to acknowledge that I had become addicted to the drama of my life.

Drama always gives you an inspired peak experience.

And that can become extremely addictive.

BUT…

The high I felt was always followed by, “what now?”

 I was trapped in a crash and burn cycle – the drive to be more, do more.

I faced the feeling I most wanted to avoid.

What was its wisdom trying to tell me?

Behind its signature ‘twinge’ lurked fear: having to prove something to myself time and again.

Who would I be without the story I had created about my pitiful life?

What if I never accomplished anything important in this life?

Was I enough as I am?

I’d forgotten to enjoy this moment, now.

I had turned my back on this one simple truth:

Experience is what makes life meaningful –

Not the giddy ascension to a future time, promising peace and contentment.

Success and fulfillment are not the same.

I stopped moving and welcomed the full force of my restlessness.

I channeled it into my creativity.

I started painting and writing.

zentangle owl

 

 

 

I began to explore the world through a creative lens instead of the DRAMA driven lens I had lived with in the past.

The inspiration from all the ups and downs in my life still live on in my memories.

I use them to tell my story.

My hope is that my experiences can serve as inspiration and encouragement for those who are living a similar experience to my own.

I encourage and support others to rewrite their own stories as well.

We all have the power to change our story, transforming past hurts and wants into the living wisdom they are.

We can become the change we seek.

Diving into our creativity is rich medicine – so often disguised

(as it was for me)

as RESTLESSNESS.

Creativity is a tool to thrive in life’s uncertainty.

Real lasting change often happens in small steps over time.

Feelings are the language of soul calling us home – to embody our full-blooded human nature.
To ignore them is to be cut off from the neck down.

I’ve changed the story that the answer is ‘out there,’ anywhere but ‘here’.

I am what I seek.

Now I relish ordinary life as the adventure it is: out with my kids, among neighbors, enjoying the culture around me.

Jeff and Tyler stacking it high so the Steers have food for the winter.

Jeff and Tyler stacking it high so the Steers have food for the winter.

We are all storytellers, making sense of the grit – and gift – of being human.

I don’t have to create drama to remember that.

And when I forget – again – there is a map to reset my inner compass:

The way up is down.

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3 thoughts on “The way UP is Down…

  1. “So I kept busy in a effort to dull the pain that the giant hole in my soul was causing me.” I know that feeling well. It was me about nine years ago before I let the Lord take me over.

    Love and faith conquer fear. Fear cannot exist where there is love and faith. ❤

    1. That is the truth!
      The Unconditional love that the Lord offered me changed EVERYTHING about my life.
      Alone, I never could have healed that emptiness in my soul, but through the miracle of Grace, my hole was filled with Gods unfailing love. And when you experience love like that, nothing seems impossible anymore.

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